I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
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He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
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On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize