If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
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No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
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Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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