I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
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So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
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Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
i believe in u and ur pee
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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