I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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