Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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