Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize