Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
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Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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I'm gonna fight the coyote
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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