i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
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He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
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We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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