you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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