I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize