i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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