Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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