One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
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Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
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im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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