Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
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i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
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the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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