Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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