I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Text me some of your sweat
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