i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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