I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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