My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
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He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
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DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
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