i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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