Where did you get a picture of my penis
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
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I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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