my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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