I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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