mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
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I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
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there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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