One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
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Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
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Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize