...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
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I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
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She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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