dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She's like a pop up book from hell.
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I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
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I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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