It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
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I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
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I am naked and annoyed.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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