I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
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Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
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The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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