dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
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No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
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He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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