Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
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We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
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I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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