I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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