I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize