Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
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Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
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Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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