I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
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I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
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You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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