i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
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My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
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I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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