I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
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make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
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I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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