Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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