He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
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She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
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I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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