Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
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I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize