We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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