i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
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I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
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