yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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