Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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