Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
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He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
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