The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
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her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
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I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize