Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
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i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
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My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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