The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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