the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
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I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
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