god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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